Something’s not right and I can’t figure it out. I don’t like it because I do not like things that I do not understand. I’ve never been a person who press for answers, or a person who wants to understand everything. But since I don’t know when, I feel as though there is a need for me to know. The more the better. It seems like I do not like the grey area as much as I used to.
I’ve been having this headache for a long time already. I don’t understand why I’m having a headache. And its not getting better. Not when people have expectations of you and goals that you need to fulfill. Even simple things like entertaining a friend or relative and making them feel happy or at ease suddenly seems so difficult to me. I feel so drained, as though I have nothing to give to people who have done so much for me. I feel bad, yet I can hardly muster enough energy to continue. I think I need to have more of my own time. More of my own time so that I can feel recharged mentally.
Yes I was saying I’m having this headache. It doesn’t help when you’re sandwiched in between the two. One of them is a relative who has a self esteem problem, who rarely comes out, who have countless insecurities and rants, who you are trying to help even though you cant do much, who you are finding quite irksome sometimes, yet someone who you treasure despite all the weaknesses. There is your own brother who is understanding, yet tired and needs his own time and rest. Both are trying to find something that they want, yet you can’t give enough to keep the both of them satisfied. Both of them you treasure, yet you feel as though you let them both down. Both you want to help, but yet so tired that you cant do anything but listen (even listening is difficult). Both are in the same room, but the both of them needs different things. I don’t know what.
Right now, I’m pretty much shagged. I would really like to get some sleep. But I’ve given my bed to someone else. Someone who I think needs it more than me.
Yeah I don’t understand. I don’t understand why it seems like I have so many things to cope with right now. So many that I don’t even know what I have to do the next minute or so, yet I know I must do something. I need more time. I need more energy. I need something that works better than panadol.
I realize this. I hate it when people quarrel. So please, don’t ever have an argument in front of me. I won’t be able to take it. I freaking hate it. Be careful, cause I’ll have a massive headache that hurts so much that I’ll scream.
After typing it all out, I still don’t understand whats wrong. Maybe, its just the fatigue.